Chatterley, L. (2011)

It was awful, I hated it; I couldn't get enough...

How to lose (approximately) 50 stone in 1 evening: a guide

I read a very interesting article in a 'lifestyle' magazine last night.

In the pursuit of being thin and therefore relevant it was suggested that you stop dining out in groups of up to 6 friends...it seems that it's not food that makes you fat, it's friendship! I wish someone would have told me this sooner...the gym membership and subscription to weight watchers have all been superfluous now that I know the real way to get thin!

Thank you 'essentials magazine' for highlighting the dangers of the company of friends, leisurely suppers and ordering both dessert AND wine. (oh and testing my commitment to your advice by publishing, on the next page, 'recipes to feed a crowd'...)

Weirdo

T.W Adorno: “conformity has replaced consciousness”

I've just returned from a wander into the village where I live prompted by my need for sesame oil and my 'oh shit' remembrance that tomorrow we must worship those that gave us life: our Mamas. Mine's a darlin’ so I bought her some crystal light-catcher thingy that's meant to bring 'good energy' into her life. I can get away with offering such fantastical gifts and promises because I'm the 'weird' one of the family. Over recent years they have taken to calling me eccentric, I think that means that I am weird but can afford a flat and 'kooky' clothes.

This idea of 'weird' got me thinking. I was meandering through the village some 30 minutes ago and without realising, as is often the case, I was chattering away to myself, contorting my face in line with my consistently inconsistent thoughts and swinging my arms in the afternoon breeze...I was having a lovely time. To an onlooker: I've lost the plot. But seriously, who is the weirdo here? Is it a chick having a merry afternoon stroll or an uptight guy rushing to get to where he probably doesn't want to be but doing it in a prompt, yet controlled and orderly, fashion?

'Uptight guy' will get pissed later. Upon submitting to the intoxication he will most likely eat too much, laugh loudly, speak his mind and fall in to bed with the person he spotted earlier/met in the chippy. Tomorrow, he will be cursing the evil that is alcohol for turning him into a twat for the evening. How could he let that happen?

Here's an experiment, give people non-alcoholic wine or beer, but don't tell them, and watch them 'get pissed'. Of course, they won't be drunk but they will have the excuse they need to drop the facade of functioning civilian, whatever that means, for one night and just let go.

To be clear though, I am not suggesting that the world would be a better place if everyone acted like a chav on a Saturday night out. What I am suggesting, however, is that people would surely be gratified if they were just themselves, whoever that may be, and not the people they ‘should’ be. Just look at what people turn into when they are on holiday...it's like they've been released from a cage. I refuse to only relax on the basis that I've paid for it and I'm in a different country, what a load of bollocks. Now I do play the game well, I'm not an 'out there' kind of character - I even study and hold down a job (!). However, I feel - and am told by those that know me -that I am an authentic sort, I guess true-to-myself is the best way to put it. If people don't like it, is that problem mine?

In our society, for it to function, people need to turn up for work to make the thing that gets traded for another thing in exchange for wages that also buy things etc etc. I get that, I do it myself. However, I refuse to live as an employee outside the realms of my office..my boss would say that I also refuse this title within the office...I just wish other people would cotton on to it. For example, I was in the Co-Op a few days ago and a song came on the radio, I forget which one. The guy in front of me tapped his toes; he may have even swung his hips a little. I too got caught by the beat and was bobbing my head. Ideal scenario: the guy looks at me, I look at the guy and we start dancing in the shop, really enjoying the song...I could feel the adrenaline building, I wanted to do it...and then: nothing. He left; I paid for my stuff and also left the shop. Today I was in the Co-Op again, I was walking up one of the aisles and as I did the man in front of me seemed to speed up. Suddenly, I felt the urge to chase him, to run up and down the aisles laughing, tears streaming down our faces all finished with a polite hand shake and a 'thanks for that!' I passed him by, tried to catch his eye to gage whether he'd be 'up for it' (the chasing, not 'that'), failed, purchased my beer and left. I felt annoyed on both occasions, firstly at those guys for not spotting the opportunity and secondly at myself for not taking it.

So, yes, I may sing out loud and giggle to myself in street if I find something amusing. I may walk in funny ways and swing my arms as the mood takes me but I'm happier for it. Giving into urges; (within the context of the laws that govern our society...of course) be it the urge to laugh out loud, say 'hi' to the person you felt an instant connection with at the bus-stop or to skip down the street you'd usually walk is glorious! Just make sure you get it out of your system before you return to your desk...if you must.