"Choose or be a victim"...

...my dad's words, said to me and my sister from a very young age. Little did he know that his way of getting us to pick a flavour of ice cream/what to have for dinner/what to watch at the cinema would have such a profound effect.

Since my 'Girl Talk' post I have been reading and researching on the topic of gender. The lecturer I emailed with my thoughts basically hit the nail on the head by suggesting that not being marginalized by gender takes a big dose of personal accountability and a huge step away from 'victimhood'. The words ‘personal accountability’ and ‘victimhood’ seem especially relevant given the latest happenings in the U.K. don’t you think?

This notion of personal accountability seems an important idea within the writings of existentialists in that the individual is responsible for giving their own life meaning and, therefore, living ‘authentically’: a word seen time and time again within existentialist writings. An example of this comes, again, from Simone De Beauvoir - I've developed an obsession for various reasons. Her fiction and non-fiction work is permeated with ideas on what it is to be a 'woman'; one of the main ideas seems to be that a major thing us girls can afford ourselves is choice; not to live one way or another but to, instead, choose how to live as it suits us. Lucky for our society the majority of people have not yet cottoned on to this and still turn up for work and await instructions, it’s ‘safer’ that way, for all involved.

Personally, I love this idea of choice and freedom and I don't mean the hegemonic freedom of the weekend I mean the knowledge that it really is all on your shoulders how you live your life which brings with it the responsibility to give that life meaning before it gets snuffed out. I discovered the extent of my freedom – which, curiously, actually feels a lot like abandonment – at a young age resulting in most of my life being punctuated with bouts of depression and anxiety: like I said, it’s safer on the other side. That said, I would never return to 'bliss'; I’ve made my choice in that respect. In terms of being a woman, my main anxiety in both everyday life and the more specialist areas of academia involved knowing where I should ‘stand’ and what I should say in order to assert myself and be seen as equal. I.e.: “do I need to mimic the men I encounter or do I need to be ultra 'girly' in a bid of irony…make up or no make up?” The answer: do what the fuck you want to do you idiot! Think about how you want to live your life as ‘you’, not a gender and disorganize this means of organization. Of course, years of 'conditioning' via the media and various discourses floating around makes taking responsibility difficult, i.e. I am taking responsibility for my life!...or am I? Are the choices I make my own or have I been influenced? The answer: yes, of course we have all been influenced but doing nothing for fear that it is not really your choice or moaning that there’s no point in even trying seems to be verging on victimhood once again.

If I write it, will it come?

My 'silence' of late is a product of a little back and forth I've been having with myself with regards to the inspiration/work dynamic; in other words: can you force inspiration and, if so, does doing so only produce work of contrivance and, worse, inauthenticity in that it was not born for the sake of itself but instead to satisfy something else? This question seems to highlight, perhaps, an irony of creativity in that it should not actually be 'created' but instead create itself. This line of thinking reminds me of a conversation I had recently concerning an artists work assuming it's own meaning and identity once it is offered to an audience. For example an audiences interpretation of an artists work can be the complete opposite of the artists initial intention see South Park's 'The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs' for more on this topic.

Girl Talk

Due to the Summer break from University I am back in the office full-time to earn some extra cash. I have been back on full time wages now for 2 weeks yet am as skint as I was before. I think this boils down to my 'spend what I have' approach to money. It may not be 'wise' within our society to not have some money stored away but what I have taken from all of this is that money really does not mean a great deal to me - something I have always suspected - because I adjust my lifestyle accordingly. I admit that my increased revenue has allowed me to indulge what I enjoy most: reading, cooking, drinking great wine and entertaining friends at my home but, to be honest I could have done this on my part-time wages. The only thing that has really changed for me since I upped my working day to 8.5 hours of officedom is the fact that I am bored, tired and frustrated. There are two positive things to have come out of all of this though: the first being that it has validated my decision to exchange a meaningless job for full-time education and the second: the office is so quiet right now that I am able to take the time to read and research various topics that arouse intrigue.

The main source of reading and research has been linked to my increasing interest in existentialism. Today, though, my fingers do not tap the keyboard as a means of regaling you with my web based meanderings but, instead, my observations and subsequent fear of what it seems I am letting myself in for by daring to be both female and a ‘thinker’. I’ll induct you into my anxieties via an anecdote: several weeks ago I was out with some friends I have made through University; all involved in philosophy, society and culture in some capacity. All male. We had a splendid day eating, drinking and talking; I was in amazing company both academically and socially speaking. However, a closer friend of mine in the group, whom I suspect views himself as superior to me based on both intellect and gender, raised the topic of female students getting better grades from male lectures based on them ‘having a cunt’ and that ‘not having a cunt’ means men have to work so much harder. I looked around the group and discovered that my friend was not alone in this and that it appeared to be a common idea within the realms of academia and the student lecturer dynamic where gender is concerned. Now, to see this from both sides would be for me to suggest that my friends aren’t sexist; they are stating a fact based on evidence and in fact the sexism lies with the lecturer who compliments a student with an A in pursuit of a blow job by way of thanks. However, this anecdote is one of many in a line of hours of conversations in pubs that have been undercut with notions of a gender divide. The divide being horizontally with women being the bottom half. So now not only am I pre-occupied with the meaning of our existence, I also have to consider it terms of being a female, being Other. Whether I like it or not. To ignore it is to allow prejudice to prevail. It fucks me off that I am having to direct my thinking and writing towards questions of gender – questions not only do I now feel the need to answer but that I wish were never raised in the first place.

Compensation for being a chick that thinks, unsurprisingly – as I am talking existentialism and feminism - is Simone De Beauvoir, or: Sartre’s missus. A woman amongst a mass of men, snubbed or antagonised by Camus who, it seemed, left any rational thought or humanist convictions at the door when faced with a pair of tits. I admit that it does concern me to read that she referred to herself as the midwife of Sartre’s ideas, suggesting that her part in her work was little more than in it’s presentation. He bought the food; she just scurried into the kitchen and stuck it on a plate, perhaps. But, she also said: ‘one is not born a woman, one becomes one’. I view this as a reminder of the responsibility women have to not adhere to this notion of us being 'Other'- assuming the word 'woman' in this context does in fact mean 'Other' - we are born and it is out responsibility to choose where to go from there. With this in mind, I have considered the idea that sexist behaviour in men arises from them viewing women as ‘Other’ as a result of women conforming to stereotypes that facilitate this idea of gender differences; perhaps the responsibility of equality lies with 'us' and not 'them'. Of course, such stereotypes have been helped along by the media, it’s not original to blame the big bad media for something yet within this media saturated society it has a part to play, and a big one at that. It seems that to be ‘equal' women need to be like men which itself suggests that the blueprint of how a human should be is male. The notion here is that women become equal to men by ignoring all that is unequal about them (I'm sure Nietzsche is creeping in here). What I am interested in, then, is how to not equalize but neutralize gender within contemporary Western society. This seems a difficult notion to contemplate even amongst the most unique minds I have encountered; speaking of my male peers, I find it rather bizarre that with such abstract thoughts about our very existence they sign up to created concepts such as gender division.

I have emailed a female lecturer regarding my thoughts on this and have asked her what it is like to be a female in a male saturated profession, specifically, academia. I will post any insight she provides.

Chatterley, L. (2011)

It was awful, I hated it; I couldn't get enough...

How to lose (approximately) 50 stone in 1 evening: a guide

I read a very interesting article in a 'lifestyle' magazine last night.

In the pursuit of being thin and therefore relevant it was suggested that you stop dining out in groups of up to 6 friends...it seems that it's not food that makes you fat, it's friendship! I wish someone would have told me this sooner...the gym membership and subscription to weight watchers have all been superfluous now that I know the real way to get thin!

Thank you 'essentials magazine' for highlighting the dangers of the company of friends, leisurely suppers and ordering both dessert AND wine. (oh and testing my commitment to your advice by publishing, on the next page, 'recipes to feed a crowd'...)

Weirdo

T.W Adorno: “conformity has replaced consciousness”

I've just returned from a wander into the village where I live prompted by my need for sesame oil and my 'oh shit' remembrance that tomorrow we must worship those that gave us life: our Mamas. Mine's a darlin’ so I bought her some crystal light-catcher thingy that's meant to bring 'good energy' into her life. I can get away with offering such fantastical gifts and promises because I'm the 'weird' one of the family. Over recent years they have taken to calling me eccentric, I think that means that I am weird but can afford a flat and 'kooky' clothes.

This idea of 'weird' got me thinking. I was meandering through the village some 30 minutes ago and without realising, as is often the case, I was chattering away to myself, contorting my face in line with my consistently inconsistent thoughts and swinging my arms in the afternoon breeze...I was having a lovely time. To an onlooker: I've lost the plot. But seriously, who is the weirdo here? Is it a chick having a merry afternoon stroll or an uptight guy rushing to get to where he probably doesn't want to be but doing it in a prompt, yet controlled and orderly, fashion?

'Uptight guy' will get pissed later. Upon submitting to the intoxication he will most likely eat too much, laugh loudly, speak his mind and fall in to bed with the person he spotted earlier/met in the chippy. Tomorrow, he will be cursing the evil that is alcohol for turning him into a twat for the evening. How could he let that happen?

Here's an experiment, give people non-alcoholic wine or beer, but don't tell them, and watch them 'get pissed'. Of course, they won't be drunk but they will have the excuse they need to drop the facade of functioning civilian, whatever that means, for one night and just let go.

To be clear though, I am not suggesting that the world would be a better place if everyone acted like a chav on a Saturday night out. What I am suggesting, however, is that people would surely be gratified if they were just themselves, whoever that may be, and not the people they ‘should’ be. Just look at what people turn into when they are on holiday...it's like they've been released from a cage. I refuse to only relax on the basis that I've paid for it and I'm in a different country, what a load of bollocks. Now I do play the game well, I'm not an 'out there' kind of character - I even study and hold down a job (!). However, I feel - and am told by those that know me -that I am an authentic sort, I guess true-to-myself is the best way to put it. If people don't like it, is that problem mine?

In our society, for it to function, people need to turn up for work to make the thing that gets traded for another thing in exchange for wages that also buy things etc etc. I get that, I do it myself. However, I refuse to live as an employee outside the realms of my office..my boss would say that I also refuse this title within the office...I just wish other people would cotton on to it. For example, I was in the Co-Op a few days ago and a song came on the radio, I forget which one. The guy in front of me tapped his toes; he may have even swung his hips a little. I too got caught by the beat and was bobbing my head. Ideal scenario: the guy looks at me, I look at the guy and we start dancing in the shop, really enjoying the song...I could feel the adrenaline building, I wanted to do it...and then: nothing. He left; I paid for my stuff and also left the shop. Today I was in the Co-Op again, I was walking up one of the aisles and as I did the man in front of me seemed to speed up. Suddenly, I felt the urge to chase him, to run up and down the aisles laughing, tears streaming down our faces all finished with a polite hand shake and a 'thanks for that!' I passed him by, tried to catch his eye to gage whether he'd be 'up for it' (the chasing, not 'that'), failed, purchased my beer and left. I felt annoyed on both occasions, firstly at those guys for not spotting the opportunity and secondly at myself for not taking it.

So, yes, I may sing out loud and giggle to myself in street if I find something amusing. I may walk in funny ways and swing my arms as the mood takes me but I'm happier for it. Giving into urges; (within the context of the laws that govern our society...of course) be it the urge to laugh out loud, say 'hi' to the person you felt an instant connection with at the bus-stop or to skip down the street you'd usually walk is glorious! Just make sure you get it out of your system before you return to your desk...if you must.

Hmm...

'You give up a lot when you try to be a writer. Money, the things other people have, even family - you can pretty much kill all that goodbye. But there are compensations. Your life's maybe not as wide as most people's, but it's deeper, and sometimes it's more interesting. You're always trying to explain and describe things to yourself, and so you see things other people miss and feel things most things people are too busy to bother with' (A Good Student by Elliot Mabeuse)

From what I observe in the society I live in people are preoccupied with lives that make them miserable and frustrated. They're not sure if they even like their spouse/partner, the new car that made them so happy 2 weeks ago didn't 'do the trick' either. We are told that life is made special by little 'moments'. In terms of consumerist society 'moments' mean purchases: cars, holidays, jumpers, restaurant meals etc. In this context the term 'moment' is perfect for industries; unfulfilled, their consumers seek more and more 'moments' in order to fill a void. 'Life is made bearable by short-lived, empty gratifications' seems more accurate here.

So what of those of us who seek more than a 'new-dress-induced-adrenaline-rush'? Are we resigned to perpetual unhappiness, pale skin and naff clothes? To be honest, I'm unsure but I seem to receive small comfort in knowing that I've not been mugged of £1000 for a week in Turkey where I discover that my partner and I still have nothing to talk about. I feel comforted in the knowledge that I haven't attempted to place a 'band-aid' over a something by means of meaningless consumption.

For now I can only draw this vague conclusion: I am not sure why I am routinely vexed but I am certain I know how NOT to 'cure' it...but...what if the only way to kill dissatisfaction is seeking 'moments' I am - in the context of the society I live in - told will make life worth living? Have those Topshop 'black abstract lily print trousers' been the answer all along?